AmbivalentHeart

Well at least I'm trying to. It's a new semester now and it came with a new job and a new house. Brendan is gone, moved out to live with his dad shortly after he punched me. I can't even begin to describe the pain that caused me....I know i should have seen it all coming. His anger has been out of control for some time now. But this was the first time he ever hit anyone of us. I miss him a lot but I have the little one to think of. We didn't even spend our birthday together. I know that doesn't sound horrible but we have spent every birthday together for the past 13 years. Maybe it was the change that hurt...I don't know.

the new house is nice and the job is great. I'm an English tutor for the college and it's great. Six hours a week, three hours on Monday and Tuesday. That's it. The pay is good, enough to get by. Just got to get my degree and things will get better.

I've come to realize that in high school I was a world class bitch yet now I'm too nice for my own good. I can't say no despite the need to. It's like I did a 180. Weird lol

I think I'm going to get back into therapy.

Quick Note:
If any of my real life friends want details about anything I every put in this journal then just send me a note or text me

The title of the journal pretty much sums up my life right about now. Everythings falling apart. I out my trust is the wrong person. About a month ago, O bought my brother two game to give him for christmas. I had them hidden in my mothers closet. Well she sold them and now I have nothing to give him for christmas. I kept telling him I got him games and I now I dont have anything. She also told me everything was fine with her classes. Final grades have come in and she has failed two classes. I worked my ass off all semester to make sure I did well and I believed her when she told me her classes were going great and she was getting everything turned in. She is already on academic probabtion for messing up last semester. WE need to move in january plus I need to pay off some debts. If she screws up to bad they wont give her to grants and my mesely amount isnt going to be enough to cover everything. I want to move away from her yet the very thought terrifies me. I am consumed with guilt everytime I even mention getting my own place. Then what would happen to Brendan? He says if i move he will move in with his dad but thats not a great option either.....its all crumbling around me.

I dont know what to do......

Well I might be missing for a little bit. I pawned my beautiful and faithful desktop to buy some food and pay bills. I guess I wont have anything to distract me from the fact I'm drowning in adult responsibilities. I cant keep my bills paid, i cant keep enough food in the house, and they are going to shut off my natural gas.......im failing as an adult, im failing at life, and im failing as a mother. Life just blows, doesn't it? The depression is coming. I know it is but i cant stop it. Its all just so helpless and hopeless.

I'm not sure what else to write about except I have two finals next week. One on monday and one on tuesday then the semester is over and I get to wait and see just how epic my school failure is......Wow.

Christmas is coming up. I had gotten my brother and daughter lots of nifty things but most of them had to be taken back so we could buy some food. Hopefully I will be able to replace some of what i had to return. The next paycheck should be good but I'm not so sure.

Well, thats all i suppose. If I'm not back on by the end of the holidays then Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.

So its the end of the semester which means a good amount of uploads since I have nothing to do for four weeks.

I have quite a few poems to upload now but I'm going to do it slowly so I dont spam anyone's watch messages.

My little girl is doing so good. She is learning everything so quickly. Its bittersweet watching her grow up. I want her to stay my baby girl but I cant wait to see who she becomes :/ Oh well its just part of being a parent.

My philosphy final is going to kill me. I have figured this out. I didnt understnad a damn thing my professor said all semester. Hopefully the review today will help and I wont bomb the test completely. On the postive side I am going to ACE my math final. Which rock since then I get hired as an engligh tutor for the Spring semester. All i needed was to pass this class.It will be epic lol

Peace and love to all. Got to go to class.

Hi all the invisable people who read this. I've been uploading to DA again but I'm not sure how long it will last this time. I cant seem to write anything and I cant post pictures since I sold my camera. On a positive note, I'm working as an English tutor at my college. So that along with my classes has me fairly busy. My only time off is when I am woing on my friends birthday present.

More personally all my diagnosis have resurfaced. I had them under control for a while but it seems that they have decided to make a come back. Maybe thats why I cant seem to concentrate???? >.<

I dont want to go any more personal then that but I can almost promise that any postings will be directed toward things that are bothering me.

So....

Bye for now guys.    *waves at invisable readers*